Adventures so Far

Its a pretty normal thing, growing up in this generation or at least what I think is normal. Lets start from the beginning, I was born on August 15, 2003 so that makes me still a kid in a way. My childhood was fairly happy from what I remember family vacations, camping, the whole shabang! That childhood was very shortlived and lasted until 3rd grade as my parents divorced everything is kinda a blur from then until middle school. From most of what is remembered would be both parents just talking shit about the other. The one thing I really used as an escape was volleyball but stopped playing after I went to mexico for a week in 2016. During that trip I met this amazing boy named Jose- since I was a kid at the time and it was my first relationship I thought we would be getting married and being together forever. That didn't last even a month into high school which makes me laugh, we used to go on so many adventures I even lost my virginity to this kid. Its no surprise we didn't last because sometime in middle of that year my mom got arrested, which opened up a lot of truths that I never wanted to accept. After she was taken away from the shed she was living in and having basically a Mexican standoff with the police they finally kicked the door down. The place was raided by my family members after and they found alot of shocking items such as meth, random pills, and also a book full of 50+ stolen identities- shortly after my dad finally explained why the divorce happened, and it was because she was cheating on him. All the information at once along with the guilt of knowing I took her side for years ignoring her lies along with her abuse that I found out was because of withdraws. So naturally I shut down, started stealing my dads alcohol and taking any form of pill to just try to end it. I would cut and choke myself just to feel anything but what I was feeling. Then I remembered how good sex felt and masturbation and I would do it daily whether it be getting a boyfriend but only using them for sex and then leaving because of the fear of being abandoned or lied to again. In middle of that shamble I met this boy named Chris and he was just amazing and made me feel happier than anyone ever did, which was terrifying- so I shut him away because I didn't wanna hurt him and hated myself for pushing him away. So I continued on my path that was going downhill- started selling pills and alcohol at school, having sex with older men because they were easy and couldnt brag or else people would know that they were talking to someone who was 14–15. And then I wanted to make a change, I wanted to be better out of nowhere one day- so I switched schools and ran away from my dads house. I used to run away all the time or sneak out which would go un noticed, but this was big. I was really gone, like ¨HOLY FUCK THIS IS CRAZY¨ type shit, and I moved around all the time. Then it got even crazier, as I was sitting on the bus one morning we made a new stop- I was curious so I sat up to see who it was and it was Chris and he sat down next to me and I felt the butterflys in my stomach. We started hanging out everyday at school and even after with our friends of going to an abbandoned place or hiking. Then one day after hanging out I stayed at his house because I was inbetween houses again and the first two nights we shared the bed but refused to touch eachother, then on the last night out of nowherewe had sex but it was different from any other time I did it before- we didnt kiss but were so passionate he wanted to make sure it was what I wanted and kept asking if I was sure or if he was doing a good job. We kept this a secret from all of our friends even when we would go camping. Then during the summer he asked me to go with him to visit his mom in Crestline and that somehow turned into me moving in with him less than a month later. And we both were so happy together but again the truth came up- he had a girlfriend and didnt tell me they got back together during this whole thing and this went back and forth for months. But I felt trapped cause if we stopped being how we were then I would have no home, I just tried to ignore it and numb everything and i went back to my ex sometime by the end of the summer but only for one night and its because I felt wrong and dirty, I wanted to be with Chris but he couldnt make his mind up. months passed and more and more drama happened and the boy that I was so inlove with turned angry and we just fought all the time. He made it clear to me after I made a mistake at a party and fucked his freind because I was so sad that he was talking to his ex again and he kept lying to me about it even though I would see the messages. I felt like I was losing my mind- what I did went against everything I stand for, and it hurt how pathetic I was. We started dating but he was still texting her and other girls and it pushed me over the edge and so I took a whole bottle worth of benadryl at school and went into a dph trip for around 16 hours I wanna say. The whole time the school never noticed and neither did he- that was the closest to death I think I have been, and I wasn't scared but did feel guilty. So the next school day I told the counselor and the cops as well as cps were called and I was escorted to the hospital. While I was in the hospital he cheated more and more and when I found out mid quarantine that he was and had the proof he blamed it on the mistake when I was drunk and me trying to kill myself. We broke up and I moved into my best friends house and slipped slowly into bad habits of drinking and pills. We still would talk but I didnt trust him- then one day something bad happened and he texted me telling me how sorry he was and that he loved me. He just kept saying it over and over but I didn't know which felt worse, hearing the news or hearing him say he loved me. We started talking again which slowly developed to now, where I have my own apartment at 17 and he lives with his family in Fontana but I think this is the happiest weve ever been- thing have changed we both treat each other better and dont wanna lose the other but I still have many more adventures.